I'm sad I can't be there is wknd, I'm laying on the beach and daydreaming of you / crying a bit
I'm watching a porn and daydreaming of you. Sounds like we both need Kleenex
He sent me a video of himself jacking off. I am not kidding.
WTF??? Isn't he married??
Yeah but his wife is at a birthday party and I guess he's bored. LOL
a stripper queefed in my friends mouth last night and it reminded me of you. miss you
Dude dan is so baked he taped his remote to the futon so he couldn't lose it again. Come over here
The only comparison I have for the iPhone is that it's like youre constantly getting a blow job
when it says do not use on the face or genital areas, it MEANS do not use on the face or genital areas.
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
High gym went like this: I went to Dairy Queen instead.
We were all in the pool and he showed up with a pitcher of margarita. Everyone swam over to him. He poured it directly into our mouths like we were a Sea World act.
I'M CUDDLING WITH MY CAT AND THAT GUY SENT ME A DICK PIC. UNANNOUNCED DICK PICS ARE TERRIFYING AND MY CAT WILL NEVER BE THE SAME
Yeah because the only thing stopping you from fucking Emma Watson is you not being a Gryffindor
Ask me if I'm sitting naked in a lawn chair eating a block of cheese waiting for a bacon grilled cheese sandwich
I'm by myself. some Midwest chick is hitting on me because I gave her a deviled egg. I need the distraction.
I told him I wanted to get on him and ride him to Montana. It didnt end like i thought it would.
She said I can't embarrass her, the challenge has been set
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