Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
So I think I just got a job offer from the guy I used to blow. See, networking pays off.
I was going through my mom's high school yearbook...almost half the people who signed it referred to her as "Karen Smokejoints", "Confused Karen", or drew a picture of a joint. I have never felt more like her daughter.
Its like everytime i see you, my vagina gets a heartbeat.
He had a shameless baby voice when he was talking to my dog. There's no way I'm making it through the night with my clothes on.
as i sobered up i realized that her cute accent was actually a speech impediment
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
He's easy on the eyes, light on his feet, and rough in bed...what more could a girl ask for in a rebound?
Trying to Jedi mind trick myself into not throwing up. This is not the esophagus you are looking for.
For a second I thought I had fallen asleep on the floor and freaked out. Then I thought somehow I was on drugs. This is my life.
I have booze and I wanna give you a bj. How can you be mad at me?
I just announced to Denny's that I'm not wearing a bra.
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
One of these days I would like to go out drinking and stick to plan of just getting drunk and not be sidetracked with other people's plans of doing drugs along the way. I didn't even want to not feel my teeth tonight but here we go just another Thursday night when you live I live
I'm going to tell you a beautiful word.
Fellatio.
Randomize
