At least you didnt end up topless in a Tina Turner wig singing cabaret tunes
I'm so hungover i just sang the alphabet to see if "Z" comes after "W"
You told me alcohol would be the death of you then ordered 10 shots of tequila.
Makin mac and cheese without you. Definitely seem to do this better inside you. Splashed boiling water on my cock
Its official. I've reentered slutty territory. I was a condom away from having sex in a childs playhouse at a park. Oh and I lost my car keys.
The bruises are from paintball. The money is from me being awesome
Drunkkker than when I told the drag queen she was prettier than me
After a certain point, you just want to make it work. Prove to yourself that you're smarter than the vibrator.
You were sitting in the middle of the floor spewing vodka at people proclaiming "I a whale". That drunk.
We had hangover sex and then I called a taxi home. Told him I didn't want his number because, if it was meant to be, we would fuck again. He called me the queen of one night stands.
And then he said "if you were planning on bird feeding me that's not ok"
I'm a hopeless romantic that likes rough sex. Judge me
If you ever insult pizza rolls again, I will dragon kick you in the throat
We started a fund for a baby in a wine glass, I think we're pretty responsible.
death bed.
death patio
stfu you slept on the patio!?!
Randomize
