the guy working at the drive-thru just asked me if i wanna bang after he gets off work tonight.
given your current drought situation, im genuinely curious to know what your answer was
i told him maybe and gave him my number. sad? probably. but even if the sex is bad maybe i'll get a free burger out of it
Last night started off great but became the saddest day of my life when i was drunk in a hotel room eating day old mac and cheese out of a yatzee cup with a coffee lid as a spoon...
You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
whats a positive sounding word for "exploit"?
I'm not sure, but I think she had a tampon in when we fucked
we woke up to him feeding us cheetos at 3am. and by feeding i mean shoving them in our mouths and saying "i mean who doesn't like cheetos"
Want to get together for a boner voyage before you leave?
i dont even mind you always shaving my pubes when i pass out, i'm starting to find it liberating.
I'm sorry and I love you. One day we're going to live in a whore mansion with our babies and make boys cry.
I remember halftime. Then I woke up in Spain. I need a drink in order to process this.
You know you're hung-over when you're smoking and have the strong urge to eat the cigarette. No more buckets of gin. No. More. Ever.
Dude, my vagina feels like new again! I love antibiotics. How's your day?
If those panties could talk.
"Once upon a time, Jenny got chlamydia from a magician. The end."
I knew how blacked out you were when you started doing that thing where you dance around and call yourself the Black Swan.
what a classic moment of my life. A buffet of taco bell and a taser gun.
Randomize
