I just remembered I gave a homeless man a ride to his bridge last night.
just a heads up, there may or may not be a mailbox full of the leftover beer on the table in your basement.
Had a dream I was a monkey and smoked pot out of a bong made out of a tree
I do not want to do anything. The words more tequila need to be erased from my vocabulary
We should reintroduce naked Mondays
I dont care how high you are "yes" is not the correct response to "what do you want from Taco Bell" Mom.
They invited me day drinking but brought their kids. 3 two year olds and 1 11 month old. I was asked to change a diaper, I laughed and took another drink of this margarita. I LIKE CHANEL AND TEQUILA NOT CHILDREN. Can we make new friends?
My dick looks like crazy bread
pics are now mandatory
i think i just encouraged him to glue googly eyes to my boobs
I worked all year for this tax return. I deserve to get my nipples pierced.
He came all over her clothes we have to leave
What am I supposed to say? "Hey remember last spring when I did an ergonomic assessment on your office, well here's an ergo for your dick."
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
He fucked my brains out then fed me cheese and peanut butter. I might be in love.
You "drove" the computer chair around the party for a good fifteen minutes. you would crash into things, freak out, and yell for an ambulance.
Randomize
