i wanted to go smoke pot, so i told my mom i was getting tutored. she asked what time i would be back, i told her learning doesn't have a curfew
The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
I've got my laundry in the car, tonights 1 night stand pre-req is an in suite washer and dryer. Let's do this!
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
Then you started screaming that this was the first time you did e and that you had a 4.8 gpa, that was right before you almost suffocated between that one girl's tits.
Did I really just find a cheez- it box full of condoms in your room?
The bouncer called to give me my shoes back when I got there he said " I'm all cool with fuvking bitches but when you try to to do it in my bar on the pool table you're gonna get chocked out every time"
At least you got your shooes
Just cause I'm shitfaced wasted every night waking up in random beds all over Manhattan does not mean I'm a mess.
Truth. Respect the hustle.
they need to invent a card that reads "thanks for all those boners you gave me that you did NOTHING about"
Dude, I need a lifestyle change. I'm to old to be making out with chicks in foam parties, letting older chicks get all excited because I let them put their hands up my shirt, and running around doing scavenger hunts with 18 yr old chicks.
Someone just got pizza delivered to the liquor store.
I'm drunk and I have your birth certificate
I'm pretty sure i doubled the number of dicks I've ever touched, last night.
Omg there's puke under my pillow. Clearly I puked and tried to hide it. From myself. \n
Never thought I'd see the day when I got assless chaps in the mail, and yet here we are...
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