So my grandma sent me a doily for my birthday - don't ask why, I don't know. Anyways I put my bong on it, I think it actually classed up the joint.
Just found a shot glass and plan b in my backpack...
Im guessing the shot glass is for plan c?
He came on my chest. Sat back and said "hey it sorta looks like lake michigan!" kill me now...
We're upstairs smoking....the password is pineapple
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Ok so in the last 18 months I have now driven four different dudes into counseling. I'm like heroin with a vagina.
I'm still not sure if it was intentional, but the chiropractor definitely cradled his balls on my shoulder. He even seemed to adjust the sack for comfort. I think I should be flattered. He is a doctor, after all..
Oh just chilling alone with a stranger baby while everyone else clambakes the bathroom. Probation is the reason there is bad things in the world.
He called it restless penis syndrome. I call it cheating.
I told him to pick up the beer can he threw in front of the police station. So he gets out chugs whatever's left and throws it back and says ok let's go.
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I'm slightly more gay than I thought. I'd go so far as to say I'm a top.
Besides he said his dick was as big as a loaf of bread and that it was broken. So I was like u have half a head of hair and a broken dick that looks like bread. No thanks. Im good.
My husband was abducted by a group of disco dancers in the parde and danced off down the street. If you see him, tell him to Hustle on home and clean the cat box. #MardiGras
The first thing you did was give us a tour of the house and showed us who was "on-limits" and "off-limits"
all I remember the next morning was crawling through the doggy door and finding my underwear in my purse
are you drinking tonight?
I have an exam tomorrow
so yes.
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