i just used a urinal to avoid climbing stairs, i need to quit drinking.
Sooo, drunk me had the sense of mind to write down everything that happened last night.....I bet you thought you'd get away with what you did to my parrot.
This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
I justified spending $400 stocking my bar to my sister by saying it was an investment
Personally I think it's a tremendous investment
It was so weird. I had like an out of body experience. I heard the moaning, but I didn't know it was me.
Between the booze, mechanical bulls, and penis's I think my body hates it when I'm single
When someone comes out of your vagina and stomps on your dreams, you'll understand.
Then this bride walked into the bar, she thought it would be a good idea to hug her & then she started playing parachute with her train.
Ended up getting hot boxed in a limo with a bunch of asians going to a karaoke bar. I think I pretended to understand their language for a solid hour. Am I bilingual now?
Im currently watching two girls making out. In the library. Hope your studying is going as good as mine is. Haha
Well THAT'S the last time I buy beer and baby wipes in the same Walmart run ... just wanted to shout I USE THEM TO REMOVE MY MAKEUP, YOU ASSHOLES
It's 6am and I had to explain to the gas station attendant why I didn't have shoes on and I'm covered in maple syrup.
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
Why do my weekends always degenerate into using my little brothers childrens board games for drinking games?
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
Randomize
