She told me to "stuff her hole like a build-a-bear". I was so drunk I didn't even think that was weird.
I wonder if he just picks random boners to send or just the realy impressive ones
This is a mass text: my birthday is tomorrow, and I want a full day of birthday sex. Send me your availabities. Time slots begin at noon
Next guy we share better have a little more dignity than that
Im doing shots of vodka in the bathroom covered in pillows.
Tornado warnings are fun!
I wish a box of wine came w a hose. It'd be so much easier to drink from.
His daughter is our waitress. I left her a ten dollar 'I'm sorry I'm a whore and fucked your dad' tip...
. Drop what your doing. Were going to Knoxville for midget wrestling. It's the championship.we can NOT miss this.
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
The ranger made you choose between a ticket and pouring all the beer out since it was a state park.
I've never seen you that close to tears as you poured out 30 beers.
Also, I found your gauge.
I found it under my pillow like a gift from the Sex Fairy.
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
It's not my fault you decided to fall in love with a Frodo Baggins lookalike
I don't know how to say "Sorry I was banging your boyfriend before I knew about you but you're awesome and we should hang out." without just saying it.
Considering I drank for you last night, do you mind picking up your half of the hangover
Randomize
