My underwear smells like fireworks.
I need a creepy friend to scare off the other creepy people
I would be honored to be that friend.
my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
i got excepted to unl lol
You mean "accepted".
The coffee from our coffee maker just hasn't tasted normal since we made Mac n cheese in it that one time....
Bro. Some kids just drive-by judged the shit outta me.
Haha at least the one I have like that you can't tell we are completely drunk and you're about to kick a glass out of my hand in a fit of joy over pizza.
She looked up at the menu and yelled this is my absolute favorite literacy
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
Next time I feel awkward in a situation I'm going to just yell "free bird!!!!" Like some redneck at lynyrd skynyrd show
I just really hate taking care of things... If I can't fill it with liquor I'm not sure what to do with it.
Next time you decide to go downstairs hungover, please warn me. I now have to explain to twenty eight year olds why you were naked.
I've never seen so much of my blood outside me. After the initial shock it was kind of cool.
If we hadn't just agreed to no commitment, i'd totally propose right now. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
Randomize
