Bullshit. I know you're watching The Dog Whisperer
That Cesar Milan is captivating
Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
Found a left over fake Olympic medal from our party last weekend. Awarded it to a random girl in the bar last night. Its the only thing she was wearing this morning when she woke up at my place.
my dad just told me he wants a furry wall in the house... i'm proud and concerned
He looked me straight in the eye when he was fingering me last night...it was very serial killer.
Is it awkward to ask someone I've slept with to officiate my wedding?
soon, soon....
I don't believe you anymore. You're like the boy who cried coitus.....
I need a present that says please like me even though i'm banging your grandson
It's 2:10 am I am sprawled on the floor of the kitchen drunk and eating cold chicken wings come help
My purse is like an anchor I can't move I am sliding around like an over turned turtle send help
This floor is really dirty send a maid if you can
I don't need to know how horny your mother is, hun.
I had to switch coats with someone at work because you can see the giant sex choke bruise on my neck. Being kinky is hard.
Can you leave her a note saying "did you enjoy watching me fuck your roommate?"
I will.
Perfect attendance and not being drunk since Sunday. This is a new leaf if I've ever seen one
I really want to stop getting this drunk. I've got the Sunday scaries and it's only Saturday
We somehow ended up in Oklahoma. Nick's been crapping for two hours and I'm afraid to call a doctor because who the hell knows what sort of stuff goes down in the middle of nowhere. So not a great long weekend really.
Randomize
