Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
Please put me in a whole with no windows and never let me out.
Update... last night a man tried to bite my ear. I think he swallowed my pearl earring.
He is like a dragon that makes me want to spread my butt cheeks, so he can fill me with hot fire.
The bartender charged us for drinks. Life is different.
If fixing it is ignoring it, and getting naked. Then yes we fixed it.
At least I had a $10 coupon for Plan B today. Smart shopping for bad decisions
Can you tell dad to stop liking and sharing porn on FB again?
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
Masturbating to the DNC live stream. Not my proudest moment
I'M HANGING OUT WITH THE DRUG DEALER UPSTAIRS JUST SO I CAN STEAL HIS WIFI PASSWORD, I HOPE Y'ALL LOVE ME.
He told me that he had never gotten a blow job. I sat there for a second, then thought "I MUST FIX THIS!" It was fucking fantastic.
Apparently I told him the people made me order taco bell I didn't even want it. And then proceeded to turn off all the lights and sit at the kitchen table in the dark and told him not to look at me.
OH GOD IT TASTES LIKE IT SMELLS
Randomize
