I have so many mobile devices now, I only use my laptop for porn.
Just witnessed a walk of shame by a guy in a half gorilla suit. It's going to be a good day.
She made out with me for a free sandwich. What makes you think she is NOT up to my standards?
Just woke up. Need to shower and fuck. Be there when I'm done disappointing. Should be 30.
theres 5 guys on the side of the road with beads and their shirts off screaming at cars already.
Just took last nights make up off with a sock. That hungover.
I'm taking a dab in mourning of how long its been since I smoked with you guys.
There is a drunken, assless white chick here at this bar wearing a shirt that says "REAL WOMEN TWERK FOR JESUS". I have officially had it with our generation.
Never underestimate the power of loudly proclaiming you want to make out with someone
Can you come get me? I woke up in the woods behind the Super 8. I have pizza.
You drink too much. You cuss too much. You have questionable morals. You're everything I've ever wanted in a friend.
Today's goals: get day drunk then sober up in time for the walking dead tonight.
He's ready to settle down, whereas I'm like "More shots please"
Like I just wanted some midlife crisis fun, not drama as big as his dick.
I woke up in a warehouse with the words “Property of Adam” written on my chest in frosting.
Randomize
