I guess we had a small kitchen fire somehow when we decided to bake fruitroll ups and croutons...
I just used my med student white coat as ID to buy beer at 9 in the morning
I was blowdrying my hair this morning and I swear to god it smelled like franzia
I just decorated my birth control case with Lisa Frank stickers. If that doesn't scream 'I'm not ready for babies' I don't know what does.
Also, I had a dream I had a ray gun and woke up holding my dick.
They poked me and kept screaming "LAUGH DOUGH BOY" it's like 3rd grade all over again.
I joked that if anyone could fuck a 35 year old woman while wearing head bands and arm sweat bands it's you and look what happens.
He lasted about 30 seconds then said you can't win them all. But then he made me pancakes so it's okay. We shall call him mancakes.
please come upstairs a drunk asian is lying down n the middle of my room and i don't know him
Ended up getting hot boxed in a limo with a bunch of asians going to a karaoke bar. I think I pretended to understand their language for a solid hour. Am I bilingual now?
Wedding party came into the bar an hour ago. Mother of the bride is a stage five clinger. send help.
GIIIIRL I AM STONED AF AND I HAVE A HOMEMADE POT PIE IN THE OVEN THIS PARTY IS LIT.
Thanks for the reference. If your boss hires me, I'll buy you a drink.
If my boss hires you, I'm going to need it.
I’ll always remember that day you sent me that random nude on accident lmao changed my life
sad thing: we were only a shot away from an orgy. good thing: we all got laid.
Randomize
