He told me he could read braille... with his tongue. So I took him home. I don't think he was lying
when we were having sex and i started crying and telling you i missed you..why couldnt you stop and tell me how you felt or make me feel better?you kept going...
I wish i could tell a story about guys I know without the phrase "and then I blew him." coming up.
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
i know you like preteen girls so i'm gonna offer you some advice...dump a bucket of glitter on yourself and walk into the sunlight. they will come running.
She looked at my facebook and decided to bump the security deposit up an extra 250...now we have to destroy the house, its expected and I wouldn't want to disappoint
Please rescue me. but take your time, im getting pizza
Wanna get really high and go on a Valentine's Day Sexathon cause we're both single or would that be weird?
Nah I've been there. The worst you'll see is some hobo peeing in a sewer at 3 am on a Saturday
You puked on the bar then proceeded to walk out. I told the bartender some girl walked up, puked and left and he gave me a free drink. Hope you got home safe.
I met a pornstar at his bachelor party and signed his shirt giving him wedding advice
I have to take tonight off from shenanigans. My liver is planning a coup
I need to go back to work. I've had so much sex since the shutdown started. last night we tried and a little flag came out saying "nothing is left in here try a week later"
I'm just gonna ride this ego train to sex town
Drink water, eat food, and stop tazing yourself
Randomize
