Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
do you think semen can infect my impacted wisdom tooth
But don't worry I didn't actually get stitches, although according to the health center I probably should have
Noooo. I told you she WAS a cancer. Not that she HAS cancer. This was the one time being a doctor didnt get you laid you alcoholic bastard
tequilla shots with my grandparents? christmas visiting just got so much better
Synchronized big wheels back flips off the second floor roof. Good idea or great idea?
my life is about to be the like the hunger games except with penises. and im going to win.
When your boyfriends ex-girlfriend texts you to see what you're wearing to his sister's wedding that you were not invited to, nor knew about. I think it's time to call it quits.
I want to pinterest what I want to do with my pubes. Why isn't there a board for that?!
He went out to smoke and when he came back I was still in the same spot naked and unable to breathe.
All I could say was, "ladies and gentlemen, THIS is why I drive 30 mins"
You don't marry someone you don't want to fuck senseless this is 2014 dammit
You poured a bottle of water into the salad bowl and said "bowls are a joke" and then poured it into your lap.
My mind doesn't wanna day drink but my heart does.
I'VE LOST MY DIGNITY, MY PRIDE, AND EVEN MY BOOTY CALL. HAPPY THANKSGIVING.
They don't really make a "hey I'm fucking your ex wife" card do they ?
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