don't go home with that guy from jersey
i know, not worth the blood test
He didn't know it yet but he was about to go down on me.
My dad hugged me and said I love u. I'm glad I didn't pull out that night.
Your parents are going to be so confused in the morning
More like pissed. but ill be sure to explain my pathological fear of terrorists hiding in the bathtub
I wish i could be there for it
Bad news. Pictures just stimulated my memory and i just realized the stripper I hooked up with this weekend tasted like pizza.
He looked at my vag and said "you have a nice situation down there. Good work"
Well at least it wasn't the first time I threw up out of a second story window
I am in his childhood bedroom and I feel like his trophies are applauding me and his stuffed bunny is disgusted with me. Did you know he was a mathlete?
I can't wait to see you again...not a euphemism, just really looking forward to seeing you. Wanting to fuck you as often as possible just seems implied at this point.
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
If my birthday doesn't end with my panties hanging from a ceiling fan, I'm holding you responsible.
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
Swear to god, somebody just drove by with mickey mouse in their passenger seat and he waved at me.
Just slather his penis with BBQ sauce
I need dick so bad, I’m dressing sexy for the school pick up line and sports practices to entice a few of the DILFs
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