I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
Jesus was obviously not given an itemized list of your sins before he died for them
the ice cream truck is coming omgomg
dude, it's 2 am.
but its COMING
I love online classes. Spent the last part of my lecture taking apart a teabag and filling it with weed.
Let me put it this way - if I had a list of things I would like between my legs, she would rank below the cello I turned into firewood sophomore year.
The effect you have on my penis from a different state is impressive
Every time he asks me if I'm horny I'm just like come on...stupid question
so you 69ed him in the parking lot of your apartment
yah I won't allow him in my apartment
Living alone for four weeks has given me unrealistic expectations of pantslessness.
You carved your initals into all my vitamins and said "now a small part of me will be in you every morning" before you fell asleep with my thong on your head.
i just sneezed the second i jizzed and it got in my eye. words can't describe how much i hate life right now.
He told you he loved you. Then you wanted to find a chainsaw to cut his dick off.
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
You just sent a mass text asking if anyone ever drank the blood of a goat in the glorious name of Satan...after that we confiscated any writing utensil
But I think I successfully seduced her with my alias.
Randomize
