I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
she's just sitting in a corner ripping all of the filters off her menthols
Like reprimanding the wall for "sneaking up on me" drunk
Is it bad that my only regret is fucking on the bathroom floor and not the sink?
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
You dont lie about slip and slides
SORRY BITCH CAN'T, TAKING SHOTS TO WHITNEY HOUSTON.
I never forget a pussy, even blackout me gives me that memory.
IF THE GUY WHO I AM BORROWING OUR CAR FROM FINDS ONE CONDOM OR JIZZ STAIN IN THIS CAR HE IS GOING TO CASTRATE MY ASS. SERIOUSLY, DON'T FUCK IN THE CAR.
sometimes a perk of being a drug dealer is amazon gift cards. who knew?
MY INSIDES ARE BASICALLY BEING WRUNG BY A CHAINSAW IM NEVER TAKING PLAN B AGAIN
I thought one was bad but really there are two woman stupid enough to marry our brother...unreal
Welcome to your 30’s, where every one night stand is most likely with someone’s father
Look at us. Planning our business meeting. Including snacks like shrooms & trail mix.
Thanks for fucking the skin off my dick
It was a joint effort between my vagina my feet and your hand you can't just blame that all on me
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