I just blew up the bathroom at work and now I feel like a new woman
I wish I could rss feed the hooker ads on craigslist because it looks suspicious that I check craigslist every hour.
How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
Pretty girls always come out on top. Or bottom. Whatever. Point is we come out with their boyfriends.
I was trying to make tacos and friends but there was a major language barrier.
I'm approaching homosexuality at an increasingly alarming rate with each break up.
Nursing home in NJ just got busted for prostitution and drugs...dropping off my deposit tomorrow
You ran through a field yelling "I'm frolicking! I'm frolicking!" Then fell on your face. How is your nose today, doll?
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
Yeah and you keep saying "I know how to win America." While running away from us
We literally solved our fight using cat pictures on Instagram. True love.
I'm very impressed by your ability to explain a story about your fiery snatch solely in emojis. props.
he kissed both of us goodnight when we dropped him off...I didn't know if I was more offended or impressed
I woke up in my neighbors backyard with glitter on my teeth and sparklers super glued on my bra. which part was your fault?
He told me that he had never gotten a blow job. I sat there for a second, then thought "I MUST FIX THIS!" It was fucking fantastic.
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