I just found a porn show called cleavagefield. no i am not watching.
so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
your stepbrother is rimming his martinis with coke... keeps saying "thank god its tuesday". where does funemployment end and intervention begin?
Just saw all the pictures from the party. I'm wearing a different shirt in every single one.
Bring your friend that fell asleep in the bathroom for my friend.
He gave me four orgasms and I kept yelling "Thank you!" and he kept replying, "My pleasure!"
Midwestern nice.
can i text him and be like "oh yeah, forgot i kinda made out with a girl this weekend. For future reference, does this count as cheating?" ?
like every night i go out someone always suggests nipple hugs so that's why I always end up topless
I nicked my vulva while shaving and I'm about to go on a date where I will be having sex. Which bandaid: My Little Pony or princesses?
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
He just brought a live lobster to the party.
There are peanut butter donuts now. We are playing with forces we can't possibly understand.
these past three weeks have been a real "fuck you" to my liver
Well I kept shouting "you're groovy" at him and then I had a 15-minute argument with the bouncer about how many 9s there are in 100... it was definitely time to go home.
I seriously just rolled a joint on my high school diploma. I feel like I've come so far.
Randomize
