i just googled "alcohol delivery service". im combating drunk driving one lazy act a time.
Currently flirting with a 57 year old. Why do i do this
they call him Oral-B. enough said
Birthday Treasure Hunt was to follow the clues. At each spot there was a stick on tattoo and a shot and at the end there was 2 cases of beer. I have 13 tattoos and don't remember turning 18.
On the oral sex Super Bowl board I drew 7 and 1. If I get lucky, someone will be swallowing during Madonna's half time. I'm sure she'd approve.
The best part of tonight is drunk commenting on my moms pic about how birds just want to give you diseases and pluck out your eyes
I made a list on my phone of places I want to fuck, it's right under my list of groceries I'm getting a little too used to regular sex but dude monogamy is the shit
Unfortunately hes not a hipster douchebag with no life goals, so naturally I'm not interested.
Have a glass of wine with dinner they said. Your hydrocodone has worn off they said... NOPE
He tried to do the do on me last night and my exact words were "stay away from my princess parts. they're renovating."
The bad news is that I stole all your drugs. The good news is that ITS KICKING IN!
I think you just miss his friendship.
I think it's his ability to give me multiple orgasms.
Next time we smoke please remind me to put my bong back in my build a bear box. My mom says if I leave it out one more time she's keeping it for herself.
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
He made me pay for half of dinner. Fucking feminist revolution.
Randomize
