On a scale from 0 to 24...wait, 3 to 24, where 6 is the lowest and 12 is the highest, how freaking high re you right now?
Goodnight sugar queer
Sugar queer??
Why does my predictive text prioritize 'queer' over 'puffs'?
hey is it cool if i invite some fat girls to the party so i can be the skinny one?
yeah okay. but if i take one home with me you have to come over in the morning and tell her to get her shit and go.
Yay Minnesota! I can't believe there's now a US Senator who has taken more acid than we have
Is it sad that I find it completely normal that I just took batteries out of a vibrator to put them in a pencil sharpener so I could do homework?
I find this completely acceptable.
You'd think me telling him that I'm a lesbian would make him realize that I don't want to hook up with him.
Your two fuck buddies playing ping pong together. HOW. ADORABLE!
If I had a dollar for every time i woke up screaming for my pants i"d have enough money to buy all the beer I stole last night.
You had me at "mimosas" several texts ago.
We haven't even eaten dinner yet and she's already been asked to "take it down a notch" by the groom's mom.
It's the building I live in, they were lucky I was wearing clothes at all
Good news. That bum you thought that died is alive.
I'll be thirty in eight months. I think my goal is too stop changing my pants in the parking lot at work by then.
Will you remind me I changed my hotspot phone password to fuckyouprivilegedwhitedude
If sex isn’t mentioned at least three times at the dinner table, I’m not interested...
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