Turns out drinking large amounts of Gentleman Jack does NOT turn you into a Gentleman -- quite the opposite actually.
i don't even want to say how many boners i've caused this week
oh god my hair smells like rotten vegetables, sweat, and tequila. I wanna party with your neighbors every night.
She rode an inflatable shark down the stairs. Viva shark week.
I'm not entirely sure what happened last night, but I think I dislocated my kneecap during an epic Mario Kart battle...
okay when i look at this i can see it on the future news along with the headline "picture scandal involving senatorial candidate sexually harassing drunken idiot in what appears to be a pink room of pain"
She waited 7 months to break out her comicon costumes. I was only mad it took her so long. I fucked an elf last night and strawberry shortcake the night before!
That's not a funny feeling. That's hepatitis. You got it from that bar where everything was sticky.
So how exactly do I backtrack from motorboating and ass grabbing?
And I'm glad you're waiting to invite him over. he may have a weird penis thing and then dinner becomes awkward.
Woke up, bank account is empty. Sock is still full of blood. Nothing in my pockets but a wireless mic and jenga pieces.
hey man , the girl you brought home last night is in the kitchen puking in the sink and asking if she can have more shots of Whiskey....think i should give her a shot glass or send her home....
He eats kale on the regular. Do I look like a bitch that wants to eat kale. No. Give me some Boston market.
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
Is that your Nuva ring on the floor? Shit must have gotten crazy
Randomize
