Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
Oh, and for future reference, telling a guy that your ass is too tight for anal is like painting a bullseye on it.
Even my psychiatrist thinks I should fuck the married guy.
He wouldn't let me go down on him. He stopped me and told me he was a giver.
This from the guy I found eating salad out of a pot lid in his boxers on his porch last night.
I'll probably just close my eyes and point to a random name. That will be my vote.
I just realised how much we're failing the women's suffrage movement right now.
The hypnotist is here. He has a black eye and smells like tequila.
Dude, jerking off when you're all hopped up on pre workout energy supplements has got to be the greatest thing I've ever done.
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
U sent me lyrics to wind beneath my wings
My liver misses your liver
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
I just timed my pee with a stop watch. From when the main stream started to ended. It was 45.1 seconds. This is the truth trust me.
If it makes you feel any better, I can't find the goldfish I dropped like five minutes ago.
Grandma keeps pulling a bottle of captain from her pocket and spiking people's drinks.. She just yelled "I'm DAMN HOT to be a grandma!" .. I LOVE HER.
Working from home has been great for my sex life! A few of my neighbors are in open marriages and several more wish they were!!!
Randomize
