I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
Successfully pulled the houdini tonight. Check that off my list.
I bought a Christmas tree in my drunken state last night, after walking a half mile in search of vino and prior to my apparently playing boardgames with my boyfriend's family. There is no way you are on my level.
Just woke up in a hotel next to a 38 year old mom who's married... I think Spring Break has started
i chipped my tooth tryin to cut thru her pantyhose. that stuff is bulletproof.
I wonder what a non-hungover friday at work is like
You guys need to get along, there is no need for a pissing contest...We're all fucking each others ex's.
He asked me to coffee and I had no choice but to be honest. So naturally I told him that sobriety and monogomy are not two of my strong suits.
Let's just do a victory lap through all of our exes.
It was fine until he came back to my place, grabbed a beer, HIGH-FIVED me, and left.
But he has cupcakes AND I'm guaranteed an orgasm. .. I feel like I shouldn't even have to actually make a decision here.
I think my nap took me to another dimension
this whole "benign brain tumor" is truly a blessing in disguise. I almost want to start bringing MRIs to the bar because sympathy pussy is flowing like the nile
It's rum buckets o'clock
No, I told him I was busy again this weekend. Eventually he’ll learn. Plus, absence makes the cock grow harder
Randomize
