So when jo picked me up from the bar I kept apologizing and kept telling her "I'm just a wittle donut"
If you are in NYC and not seeing anyone, you should come fucke me now because:1 i am not in love with you anymore, 2 i am drunk enough where i won't feel the n eed to kisx you awardly to avoid your beard, 3we have unfinished business that i wpn't get -assed unyil orgass have been had, 4 i really really want to
this is ridiculous... i look like a white version of MC Hammer...
you tried to arm wrestle for the title of "mom's favorite son"
my brother wants to know why there are wet balloons in his bed and i think you forgot to throw the condoms away but im too hungover to check if thats what hes talking about
The amount of pregnancy tests I've taken in my life is unhealthy
Ohhh, TODAY your worried. Becasue last weekend when we warned you about her you said "shes too hot to have herpes."
You were dancing around the clubbing yelling "best wingman ever" and raising your cast in the air
How dare she call you insensitive. Should have told her about the time you let that girl in the wheelchair wearing the sombrero blow you.
No idea. I woke up in the middle of the night to you drooling and gnawing on my arm. Then you rolled over, punched the air 4 times, then proceeded to talk about your hair in your sleep.
PS- I just ordered a two man zebra costume. Would you like to be my back end?
We were tripping too hard to figure out to tell him where we were so we sent a picture of me laying outside the tent saying "find us"
fuck it. im taking monday off to do some Jagering.
Let me tell you how my drug dealer wants me to take his girlfriends little sister to jr prom
Well, that was my first dog walk of shame. Nothing says "I've got my life together" like an inside out shirt and a baggie full of dog shit.
Randomize
