so you masturbated because Oprah told you?
I'm puking to John Mayor, save me. Or at least change it to somethong beyyt
The first clue should've been that he literally had shit in his hair. How does that even happen?
Wedding cake is always the best dance partner. In the corner. With a jack and coke. And while I'm crying. Listening to "Almost Paradise".
yeah people on the adjacent balcony, Im naked drinking outside in 0 degree weather at 1pm. got a problem?
My dad and I just got asked if "we wanted a more intimate setting for our date". The world is coming to an end.
If graduating leads me to stop getting naked at inappropriate times in public places I'm going to be pissed
That's the point dumbass, I can't use my boss as a reference cause they'd have to fucking call him in prison.
I'm pleased to know that your mom refers to me as "the ass piliager" now
So... Really random... You know we only exist cause Dad misspelled 'perseverance', right?
I didn't pop out of a cake in a speedo with diagrams
In case that's what u were picturing
i think we sleep fucked last night...
is it fun? or sober?
Slept with a member of the band last night, found out today after extensive stalking he’s engaged. Pro tip: don’t research one night stands.
All I recall is being at the strip club doing dark rum shots and then puking a question mark on the wall above the garbage can in the men's room and having diarrhea in the sink. 6th drunkest I've ever been without blacking out.
Randomize
