And when I look at him, I just want him to say "I love you" in between deep thrusts and hard grunts.
i'm pretty sure god just pointed at me and laughed
i'm wearing my white shorts to coax my period out of hiding.
frankly if you're gonna get kicked out of your place, hooking up with your gay roommate's boyfriend would be the most entertaining way to do it.
Went home drunk last night and peed on my Christmas tree, my mothers going to fucking kill me
I told him to just roll me a blunt and put it in a heart shaped box.
I'm so excited for post-beer fest chipotle. It will be better than scared shitless pre-go karting chipotle.
I left the bar I'm on a bench across from the bowling alley taking a nap please come get me. I've had three lollipops.
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
On the shuttle bus from the Casino the driver refused to take us to the strip club so you said "let me off this bus or ill puke on you".
Adulthood is weird i just cleared a check larger than my gross income from 2011 but i also just did coke during my lunch break
I'm over being sad. I'm now onto thinking about all the ways in which he is a total fuckwaste
Sorry again for almost setting you on fire.
This is a life or shit situation. Grab me toilet paper asap. This bathroom is fucking out. This is not a test. This an actual emergency and I am not joking.
My manager is trying to help me find a good career path, and I'm trying to find a professional way to tell him I just wanna smoke and fuck.
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