Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
Dude. My sister is off limits. Touch her again and I'll rip off your dick and force feed it to you.
I accept this challenge.
I maybe just had sex outside in broad daylight. At a state park. Please be proud.
Well were gunna have to wash the couch cover now...maybe even the couch, soap or fire your decision
According to this USDA thing I just read, I should either get upper respiratory issues or begin to bleed from my nose and mouth.
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
YOU KNOW BRAZILIAN BOYS ARE MY WEAKNESS
"I licked someones beard, because I can."
We should have a mid-burrito sex-break, too. Just so we don't get too full all at once
Good point.
I dont even know what happened i just remember waking up with beer cans outlining my body...
I ACCIDENTALLY MURDERED MY COUSIN
HOW DO YOU ACCIDENTALLY MURDER YOUR COUSIN
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
Hey, sorry I choked you last night... I was just really excited to see you.
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
Randomize
