dude totally just got the jungle juice out of my white top. i am really ready to be a trophy wife.
After Sake bombs he tried to puke into an alluminum beer bottle and shot vomit streaks in a perfect V out the sides of his mouth and hit BOTH girls he had bought drinks for that night. He was like an Icon of Cock-blocking yourself.
I passed out in the stadium during the 4th quarter and you guys just left me there?
Yea, but we put money for a cab in your pocket.
I am three bowls, two beers, and a muscle relaxer into babysitting. What are you doing.
My boyfriend sold my favorite shoes right off my fucking feet last night outside the bar. It might have played a part in our breakup today.
MY BRAIN IS OSCILLATING. DOES THAT EVEN MAKE SENSE
On a scale of zero to "unmitigated disaster," how drunk is he?
He made me twerk for scrambled eggs... I regret nothing
90 seconds of pumping and 2 months of bragging all summer. So much for my reputation here.
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
We kind of crashed their funeral party. Oops.
Why does your place smell like gin and misery?
I prefer to think of it as 'ode to single life'
Haha I'M GOING TO MISS HIS PENIS SO MUCH. But not his bipolarness.
3.5 bazillion penises. So not that hard to find a new good one
I responded with revoking his blow job privileges. Needless to say, he's learned his lesson.
Took an adderall for the first time in a few weeks. Spent 45 minutes peeling an orange TO PERFECTION.
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