I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
i wish sherlock holmes were still around today... he'd be able to find my g-spot.
if I see one grey pube I'm spitting his penis out!
fyi, take the long route to the library. the "can i be your baby daddy?" homeless man migrated back for winter
No need to clean the puke on the driveway. The squirrel is eating it up.
I woke up to my dog trying to clean my vagina.
turkey basters and jungle juice, is that really the whole shopping list for new year's?
whatever, you made your decision to be a responsible student and where did it get you? a pushed back exam and no blowjob.
The money is just too good to quit doing it. I'm using the same justification strippers use.
Steve called. He needs me to pick him up. He also asked for a set of his clothes, he can't find them. He is such a strong motivation to stay sober.
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
Oh and Dustin informs me I'm a legend amongst the freshman, if you were wondering about my street cred
That's one good thing about being an only child. I can masturbate wherever the fuck I want
oh you can't commit, don't have any real ambitions, and love to drink PBR? well.... sign me up!
My friends said as soon as you walked in, I motor boated you like there was no tomorrow.
Yeah, I liked it.
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