come on don't hate me. your brother looks just like you its almost a complement that i had sex with him.
Hey on the reals though tomorrow if i take you out to lunch as just a friend will you also suck my cock as just a friend?
She fucking ripped my chandelier out of my ceiling. How does that make her a keeper?
did i paint my nails blue or do i need to make a trip to the ER?
These shoes are like walking on sunshine and labias. So soft and squishy
Took me 10 minutes of oral to finally get him hard for like 30 seconds of sex until he came and passed out. Def not worth the ROI.
Funny, 'cause his story is it went great. He faked passing out so he wouldn't have to do anything in return.
Chipotle just hit me... I want to go sit in the corner of the shower and cry until morning.
Just peed off a cliff while playing white snake on my phone. Close enough?
Would you think less of me if I said I was eating a toaster strudel in the bath.
I'm just imagining Oprah like "you're popping a boner, and you're popping a boner...EVERYONE IS POPPING A BONER"
So the 25yr old smokeshow I fucked last night said "Prepare to be disappointed" as he put the condom on. I was. 40 is bullshit.
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?
we had sex in his office so i figured it was appropriate to like his company's page on facebook
i feel like if my pee,blood, or vomit is on it...it should belong to me by default. can we make that a rule?
My last one night stand called me today. Apparently I gave him a yeast infection in his mouth. Not sure how I should feel about this.
Randomize
