Took her home last night and it was like trying to put an oyster in a slot machine. I may have drank a little too much.
Admitting I go to nursing school is my subtle way of saying, yes, I know every muscle in your penis and how to effectively use them.
and then she judged me for using my bra as a potholder. hard times my friend, welcome to college.
I just found scrambled eggs in my shower. Thanks for that, asshole.
Do you remember Kelly my alter personality? She talked like a man and would sing amazing grace?
idk but i can hear her singing "Call Me Maybe" really slowly and emotionally in the shower right now
I tore the muscle in my left calf at the gym and still spent all evening in heels. UNSTOPPABLE!
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
If I don't get to have sex with him soon my entire female reproductive system is gonna climb out of my body and choke me to death
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
There needs to be a greeting card for "I miss having sex and smoking weed with you."
What am I doing? I'm usually only attracted to horrible people.
I'm officially disproving the fact that a hoe never gets cold bc this hoe is COLD.
you were so drunk that when the mouse on your laptop didnt work anymore you decided to just take it into the bathroom and pee on it while laughing like a mad scientist.
"Uno más" are officially my least favorite words in the entire Spanish language.
Randomize
