someone threw a dead crab at me
This random guy asked me if I had downs. I was like up yours! And I got out of his car.
why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
I think I am morally bankrupt
I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
so the last visual we have of him for the next 87 weeks is him outside on the ground rolling around yelling I HATE BLOWJOBS
In case you were wondering, it hurts when the bouncer throws your phone at you after kicking you out of the strip club for taking pictures.
They are chanting tits for freedom and I'm highly considering
I made a list on my phone of places I want to fuck, it's right under my list of groceries I'm getting a little too used to regular sex but dude monogamy is the shit
Lol i have proven this trip that I can meet a chick and fuck her within 72 hours no matter where she lives
The guy at the ER said it was the first time he's given stitches for a funneling accident. Then he seemed upset that I took pride in that...
Good thing my vagina doesn't have a chronometer on it. I'm sure my fiance would be horrified. Probably 10 miles from this past weekend alone.
40 year old guy made out with me last night while I had French fries in my mouth
He does have a nice smile. I also like to think he has a nice penis, but that's just a prediction.
Good news, finally found someone who remembers Saturday night. Bad news, everyone in the bar saw your penis
Randomize
