My roommate just did the walk of shame in last nights corset back to our room to find her dad there. THATS why i go to school out of state.
I just tried to pee in a pad to see if it was like a diaper. it's not.
My aunt totally just drunk dialed me when i was super stoned, it was so intense
He's really hot. I think he's gonna be my reason to shave this winter.
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
A total of 95 cents was stuck to my ass the next morning.
Between my vag yelling at me for having bad sex and my legs yelling at me for going to the gym I cant hear myself think.
If you're asking how many times you took off your clothes and played with the tiki torches.....the answer is 3.
Would you be mad if I just used the argument "I'm allowed to say that, my best friend is a lesbian"?
Never. I'm proud to help you win arguments.
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
I'm not letting you use my bathroom unsupervised anymore. You peed in the sink thinking it was a urinal...
I saw an episode of cops that had one of my ex husbands on it.
I refuse to believe you if you're trying to tell me humanity as a whole isn't sad, tired, and craving Chinese food.
who knew being a fake dominatrix could be so fun?
Also, in case they didn’t tell you… there is a chicken living in your old room… so I would assume cleaning that is now on them
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