Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
My drug dealer asked me out. What's the protocal for this?
Hey I think I found part of your tooth next to your wine bottle in the floor board of my car.
All I got from that conversation with the officer was "blah blah blah, you're disgusting, blah blah blah, $500 fine, blah blah blah, be in court Tuesday."
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Under someone's bed. Not sure whose. I think they're sleeping in it.
No. Her boobs are the one spot of warmth in my life right now and I will not let you take them from me.
at work, .. 47 yr old boss was in a fight. 2 BLACK EYES. I may get fired. I cant stop laughing
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
I just found a grey hair. On my nipple. Fuck you too, Mother Nature.
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His pet bird was perched ON HIS DICK.
Wearing my one sleeve dress...thought you'd like to know I shaved ONE armpit lol
He stood up through the sunroof yelling "CHOCOLATE MILK BITCHESSSS!!!! YOU AIN'T WORTH SHIT NOW!!!" the sad part is he wasn't even drunk yet. I worry about him sometimes.
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
My husband is waiting until son is napping and air humps as a seduction tactic. Pray for me.
Let me set the mood for you. Do you remember Britney Spears in her Hit Me Baby One More Time era? Well I just fucked this college girl I shit you not her name is Persephone and she looks exactly like Britney Spears back when she was hot. I might be in love.
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