Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
Wish you were here....
And I wish your mouth was around my cock, but that never happens, does it?
we were walking and you spelled the word "oats" to prove you weren't drunk.
He's coming over for beer and a movie, but I just don't know if he's interested.
Pathetic and sad. I should come over there and fuck both of you just to get the ball rolling.
then she kicked a hole in her own door and the next thing you know, brian's walking up to her room with power tools. in no condition to use them
I'm convinced that college is the only place where one can have an existential crisis over what sweatpants to wear
Because you stood over the Ice luge screaming STONE COLD and poured beer on everyone
He goes "hi, free today?" WHEN AM I EVER FREE ON A SATURDAY, I GOT HUNGOVER TO BE AND DRUNK TO GET.
K, im gonna wait to get my dick pierced so we can do it as a family function.
I was just like oh sorry I'm peeling meanwhile my legs are on either side of his head and I look like a fucking Komodo dragon
Is using cherry lube as jam shameful or hilarious
Just so you know in the morning, yes you did send your bartender a snap of your boobs. No I didn't try to stop you because you used sound logic for doing so.
i almost threw up on his dick. its like icarus, flew too close to the sun. except the sun is his dick and my throat was icarus
My mom is coming to visit today & it's giving me anxiety. I feel like she can see through me & into the whore I've become.
No, he wouldn't have sex with me....but on the brightside I managed to fit the entire falafel sandwhich in my purse!!
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