Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
Different chick, same blowjob, same parking lot.
This girls' body was nothing short of spectacular...her face, was like the '09 Detroit Lions
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
We're playing Edward Bottle-of-eight-dollar-sale-wine-hands now
In a meeting with the accounting department. This shit is even more boring in real life and there isn't a professor to wake me up.
i got iced as i was inside of her. i fucking hate my friends
I swear if his heart was half the size of the cum stains he's left on my sheets we would have the perfect relationship
about 90% sure I fell off a roof. It hurts BAD. Don't suppose you're still in town?
yup haha I infact DID fall off a roof. Want some bomb ass omlettes?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
hoooly shit dude in taco costume challenged alpha douche to a fight. he's got catch phrases. come. now.
Would it be wildly inappropriate for me to tailgate a Jonas brothers concert?
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
I'm about to play another round of who's panties are in my car.
Remember how we use to say "this will be the year I'll get my shit together!" And like we stopped doing that because we know that isn't happening anytime soon.
I JUST FARTED SO LOUD AND HARD I IMMEDIATELY TASTED IT
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