If I'm having a dream where I'm having sex and I can actually feel it between my legs because I've had a lot of it recently, does that make me a whore?
I have a feeling this is a serious question. Problem solve, Jess.. I'm going to let you figure that one out on your own
My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
You ran away and I found you three blocks later lying by a dumpster because "that's where your life belongs"
I want a vodka facial right about now. I'm talking about straight vodka bukkake
If you value my life, if you value your own, please look for that godforsaken cookie. Please.
He went 'unicorn hunting' and lost a fight with a fence. That's how he ended up in the ER.
I didnt realize how badly my legs were scratched up from power-fucking him in the bushes until kate dumped a bottle of vodka on me. that shit burnedddd
I can only send "I want your dick" texts to so many guys before I accidentally over-book myself. I need a day planner.
I'm so high that I'm intently watching my neighbor move his car back and forth in order to put his motorcycle in the garage, and getting irritated that it seems so complicated.
I expected better sex from someone with the word CHAOS tattooed above his dick. But on the bright side, he was down to watch a documentary on Honey Badgers afterwards so I guess I'll keep him around.
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
Had to leave my skype meeting to vomit. I'm obviously ready for the real world.
I walked in on him pumping himself up by headbanging to the drumbeat from Jumanji.
I'm laying backwards. On the stairs. Eating carrots. And drinking from a captain Morgan bottle.
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
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