Was i wearing a white blazer when you superpoke danced me??
...she's taking her top off and singing songs from Anastasia. I swear to God were solumates.
Then he told me he was proud of me for remembering that i blew him that night.. Maybe my drinking is getting out of hand.
she called for a booty call so i sent mike as my stunt double
I'm just pissed at the whore who takes over my body when I'm blacked out.
Can we agree to not tell mom about this?
This isnt even the most disappointing thing i know about you.
As we're eating sushi she goes I just want to get a disease so my mom can take care of me... Great first date
I can't tell if the dead thing in the yard is a deer or the guy I slept with last night...
I will now send you explicit pics of mine and her genetalia bound together forever in the devils dance that is sexting.
I just took three of the most beautiful hits of my life. As elegant and smooth and delicate and graceful as figure skating
I was so drunk last night I asked a rando at the bar to take a picture with me cause I thought he was in the band
I got a 5 dollar bill, 1 condom, and no alcohol. I get payed on Thursday. Let's do this shit.
I know it's just really hard to give up sex and cigs during a blizzard
So when he asked me to go on a date tonight, I didn't think the words "have you tried a suppository" would be part of the evening.
So adding to the list of things my boobs can do, sweeping with a broom is apparently a thing.
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