I think my vagina is haunted
Can we progress our friendship to a point where i'm at least granted a blowjob allowance?
You seriously need to keep doing my sexting for me. I just said something about "riding cock like a dick rodeo"
No, I think it was the night I threw up in her front yard. You're thinking of the time I threw up in her backyard.
We defiantly won best dressed in the ER tonight
Reached a new low. Drinking Wine from my thermos while on the stair master.
We were walking up the stairs and I asked Dominick what floor the party was on. The cop who had just tried breaking it up was walking down the stairs, drinking a slurpee, and answered, "Third floor."
There's a cop, a pizza guy and a half naked girl outside along with a dog that I don't know. It feels like I walked into a Judd Apatow movie.
Hiding the dark circles under my eyes this morning was like trying to hide a Beached Whale on the Couch eating Pita chips.
Can we just cry and dive into a couch-sized bag of sadness-chips, dip them in a la-z-boy sized jar of depression salsa while watching a show called 'Forget Your Hopes and Dreams, Just Kill Yourself'?
I think I'm getting sponsored by the Mexican Drug Cartel for the start of my poker career. It was an interesting night at the bar. One word, Vegas.
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
So, I actually said the words "but face tattoos are sexy"
I just showed this kid my nipples to work my shift tmw
He couldn’t find my clit with a map. Literally. I drew him a map.
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