I seriously need 2 stop fake jacking off in peoples faces at work...the I.T. Guy just showed me the security surveillance tapes.
Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
Just for future reference: milk is NOT a good mixer no matter how drunk you are.
I'm going to make a mold of my tits to bake a cake for him for our anniversary.. I can see the pride in his eyes now.
Next sat night Titanic party. Bring your floaties, trashy necklaces, and a large lung capacity. This ship is going downnnnnnn.
Come get me we have a petting zoo to throw up in.
Do pleather leggings scream im easy on a first date?
I have a pair of clean panties in my purse. This is having your life together.
Sometimes I just want to kiss you without you pulling ur cock out and waving it at me
This chick just walked by and pet my beard. Don't know, never talked to her. She just walked by and pet my beard.
Marry her
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
i asked my neighbor to open a bottle of vodka once and then we slept together
He went down on me for an hour and a half. He needs to get promoted more often.
she just punched him in the balls in front of everyone and yelled "YOU SEE WHAT YOU MADE ME DO"
Imp drunk. It'd free popcorn tuedday I love life.
Randomize
