I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
well when i got there she was attempting to stick the cat in her mouth.. so maybe you should go check on her
I'm gonna have bed sores at the end of this hangover.
I just made a friends list on fb of all the guys ive hooked up with. genius.
Sorry about all the noise last night. We were trying to break bottles by kicking soccer balls at them. If it's any consolation, there's shattered glass and blood all over my kitchen.
My mom walked down and caught me drinking by myself, watching the nanny at 3:30AM. I had no idea what to say
I felt so bad for you. Drunk Rachael wanted nothing more than to crawl into the cop car and give you a hug. Luckily Mollied/Barred out Rachael convinced Drunk Rachael this was a terrible idea. So I ran. I have your keys btw
My class coordinator for bio told us that the only thing we should do the night before an exam is to get laid. And then party down after the exam. I like him.
There a special place in hell for drunk criers. A special FUCKING PLACE
You know I ate twenty hot dogs in an hour once.
I am honestly so surprised you are a lesbian.
Face washed and sleeping pill taken. Here's hoping for a more sex filled tomorrow.
i had a super strange, mommy/daddy issuestastic, mildly freudian, i-might-as-well-become-a-stripper-now-and-stop-fighting-the-inevitable dream last night :(
One of my pillows is missing but it's cool because there is a beef stick.
You know my vagina and my heart have a mind of their own even when it’s pouring snow.
Its like he got lessons from Jesus on how to use his tongue. And his dick.
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