I think id rather eat ped egg shavings.
She told me she was a cowboys fan... I told her it was a waste of a perfect set of tits
so whenever I text yeah my phone automatically corrects it to yeahhhheeehhyeahyeahh .. too much party in the USA?
she added emergen-c to the bong-water bro, brilliant.
I brought his matress to the living room we're laying on it listening to rick james drinking vodka
Good point, clearly my love of penis contributed to my torn knee ligament.
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
I am not sure which is more amazing; The fact that she offered me sex, beer AND nachos, or that she can properly use a semi-colon at her current blood alcohol level.
I was doing drugs in the men's room so my employee went in to the woman's for the same reason but left proof and got caught. Had to fire him cuz I bogarted his dope spot. Awesome.
She is currently expressing her joy for "bad to the bone" through interpretive dance...
i'm not drunk or reckless enough to have you track my every fucking move. I AM AN ADULT
If you're going to do that you're going to need a pleather suit.
I'm still not 100% sure who I'm sleeping with
Your ex spoke highly of your penis and it’s skill. I’m interested in learning more about it ;-)
I woke up in a warehouse with the words “Property of Adam” written on my chest in frosting.
Randomize
