And then the cop told me my court date was on 4/20. I said come onn u really gunna do me like that
could you please tell me why you thought vodka soaked band aids were a good idea?
That was a $3000 rug we rolled him down the hill in.
I'm not holding out much hope. She met me in a nighclub when I was arguing with the cigarette machine
As girls, Bert & Ernie are not very bangable costumes. At least not by who we'd want to get banged by.
I was kidding. But I promise you I'd still find us the most eligible bangables, even if we dressed up like a dumpster and a prom night baby.
my roommate just showed me the scar on her forehead... that she got from a shake weight... That. just. happened.
Just because im a good person doesn't mean that I don't reserve the right to be a complete dick about it.
Tried making out with pop rocks in my mouth. That shit is magical.
Don't patronize me, I thought of that on peyote, so it was basically like a message from God.
the manischevitz sangria was a big hit
I'm the kind of girl who misses her mouth when trying to eat, do you honestly think I'm coordinated enough to wear heels during sex?
Being drunk isn't an excuse for eating all of the bacon asshole
It’s like my vagina just knows when a man is a barrel-chested freedom fighter.
ill drive you to the airport today if we can have sex first
i left yesterday
ill pick you up from the airport on sunday if we can have sex after
I met up with trey last night. He whispered in my ear "I love you" then raised his voice and said "but not in a I want to marry you kind of way, but if you died I would cry."
Randomize
