You're the only chick there. That's not an orgy, that's called a gang bang...
woke up laying on an empty pizza box and some guy was doing blow off my butt...i guess i should thank you.
Is it bad to get into the ocean at night? i always thought sharks hated the smell of vomit after drinking
Dong worry about me. I just cashed bottle of wine when I found out he was in town, I'm being dramatic. I'll text you tomorrow when I'm sober and my face stops bleeding
She made out with the kickboxers bf. She was just asking to get kicked in the head. In the middle of the bar.
No, that was the night I helicoptered my dick to oncoming traffic. Im talking about the night I ran naked down the street.
Rumble strips road head = magical
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
Dang. We need a girls trip ASAP. Preferably in a country who has even lower standards than us on a Friday night.
You should be able to leave recommendations on Tinder.
I just remembered touching your bosses wife's fake tits last night. Thanks again for taking me to your work function.
Too bad, iambic pentameter is a drunk specialty of mine.
I AM DRUNK AND AGGRESSIVE ABOUT CURLING!
The US is in the finals, aren't they.
Was I just dreaming, or was there a corpse at work last night?
She was just sleeping.
Is it bad that I'm kind of disappointed by that?
Nows a good time to tell him. Just be like "yeah, I used to bang her too and it didn't work out for us either". He'll understand.
Randomize
