Okay call me later ill be watching lifetime and scrubbing throw up off my feet
im about as happy as oj after his trial
you really should stop posting my phone number on craigslist as tranny seeking tranny, last night i answered at family dinner and almost choked on my hot dog
do you not see the irony in that??
She thought I was gay, so I told her I'd be more comfortable with anal. She agreed.
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
No, I'm in the bathroom trying to scrub off the 16 tally marks on my wrist so its not so obviously to the world that I puked on a couch last night.
I told him if I was pregnant we were coming out to the people at work, because I'm not pretending to get knocked up by an imaginary boyfriend.
The last time I saw you, you were rolling around on the ground at the bar.....
.....well it was bound to be an interesting night since I was chasing my pulls with pulls....
There comes a point, as I lay on the floor of the work disabled toilets contemplating catching 10 minutes sleep between chunders, that I wonder if its really worth it
I'm totally going to bang the cable guy tonight. I'm so pumped
My room looks so cute. Who wouldn't want to hook up with me in here?
fuck sobriety. I want to wake up tomorrow in a park or some shit.
dude, next time you say lets go on an adventure, tell me if there are going to be psychotrophics involved before hand.
I'm very disappointed that your kitten almost ate my weed cake...
No, this year you're all getting coupons for things like "no yelling because you had sex in my apartment" or "the last beer."
Randomize
