The bridesmaids just went smackdown on the floor, over the bouquet. I saw nipple. Best wedding ever
I found her sitting in the shower having an argument with the dolphins on the shower curtain.
Swallowing. Like you said. Lions. Always.
Wanna go watch Transformers and scream "AMERICA!"? I need a no thought activity
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guiltš
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
No padding. I spent my whole summer with my nips out. October don't need that too.
Two shots of gin says this is gonna be a sloppy lab write up.
The creepiest man is serenading me at the bar right now. I had about a quarter of a drink left and the bartender just walked over and filled it with vodka and walked away laughing.
Who ever is in the stall next to me is crying and it sounds like they're doing massive amounts of blow too. Finals for your ass huh.
how do you expect me to pass the time when I'm too old to be jailbait but too young to legally drink
Explain why there's a meatball in my bong
Remember the time you cried about coconuts
The first thing my Christmas gift money is buying is a dildo.
She was gone when I unblacked out, but she had nailed her panties to the wall and wrote āColleenās Dickāwith a sharpie on the wall. No idea where she got a hammer and nail
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