btw ... thanks for not giving me up as the craigslist killer
i owe you one
thanks for snagging those panties for me
dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
i just googled 'classy porn'. high, low, i dunno i just got bored of cum shots.
is asking a girl out on a date while in another girls bed in poor taste?
I have now hooked up with 8 of the Apostles. I have no idea where I'm going to find a guy named Bartholomew.
Best part of failing a semester of college: not having to buy books next semester. I can drink to that
It's just like riding a bike. Only it's a dude's face.
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
Please stop hiding condoms in my house. If I want to have sex with you, I will let you know. FYI, my mom found the ones hidden behind the milk. She was not happy.
I'm an approx 70% certain someone switched my UV Blue for Windex - just as volatile as you might think.
We were apparently using marine hand signals to communicate to one another where to meet up in the house to hook up.
Didn't even know I knew marine hand signals.
I finally had to say "that's the hole where I pee" for him to understand.
We just got busted fucking in the hammock by his roommate...I'm so out of here as soon as hes asleep....
I should be trashily making out with an air force cadet in the beach volleyball court by now
Drink water, eat food, and stop tazing yourself
Randomize
