i just saw my boxers from 2 days ago stuck in a tree 4 miles from my house
we have a love-hate relationship...we love having sex but hate waking up next to eachother
He's trying to kill me, one liver cell at a time. It's going to be a slow, but awesome death
Sex with him was like teaching a two year old how to work a machine gun
he might be the rich husband I pretend to love for the rest of my life!!!!
I should have known our good time had gone to shit when his ankle bracelet started flashing.
I'm currently sitting on the floor of a hostel reception area taking swigs of straight vodka, singing with people whose English doesn't go far beyond Lion King songs. I thought you might appreciate it.
I woke up on your bathroom floor, i used your towel I found laying on the floor as a cape to get to your bed. I thought it would help me walk straight if I looked like a superhero
If you've never been partying there before, take Shae with you. Drunk Shae is like a GPS. She found us the only bottle shop still open at four, a pot dealer, and told us all which subway to take to get home. She'd never been to Madrid before. It was awesome.
I just realized my new apartment is at the corner of Patrick Henry and Mary Jane.
Give me weed or give me death?
I was just thrown into the pool and now I'm surrounded by men... You would think this is the dream but I'm just confused
I asked to see his balls for medical purposes.
I don't even have his number. I have his pants tho
Painted a stripper an elf costume. Her coworkers liked it. Now in a room full of naked strippers.
Rule number 1 of dorm living: do not forget your butt plug in the bathroom.
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