ps i may or may not be wearing a sequined bra
Tell me why I go to the dollar store for nail polish remover and a ghetto black dude trys to hit on me in the parking lot, then he gets in line behind me with a dousche bag literally and that is his only purchase.
do u think i could put an abortion on my debit card?
I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
Mental note: adding peach schnapps to a gin and tonic does not "water it down."
he's mad because you were 'slandering his penis'.
False alarm it was margarita mix all over my hands not blood
I went to a bar in my pajamas last night. I'll be there again tonight in a wolf costume.
Just so we're clear this time around: This is dinner with my FAMILY. Not an opportunity for you to drink too much, and use the word "dick-thumpin" in casual conversation.
WTF DUDE?
Stay calm. I'm sure there's a heterosexual explanation for this
I have to finish a biography for history and write a review on it so naturally I was like "getting high will make this more bearable" and now I'm basically inside the book at the revolutionary war with this guy.
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
I'm nothing if not determined to sleep with everyone at that company
My roommate randomally bought me two bags of pretzels. Worst "Sorry you can hear me fucking my boyfriend everynight" gift ever.
Randomize
