peeing in bathroom at penn station and the homeless man next to me is combing his beard with a fork...god I love new york
my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
I'm on the bus and the homeless person in the seat to my left is jacking off to a cartoon picture he found. He's now cleaning up with mitten I dropped.
We convinced her the game "just the tip" was a billiards game. She was asking a couple guys if they wanted to play as we left. I kinda don't want to ask her how the rest of the night went.
Her brother was practicing the clarinet....it was like having sex in a starbucks
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
Why do I feel like I'm not the only one drinking to make my night class teacher look better?
i think i traded my wallet for a tim hortons gift card.
She wants to fuck me. On a tennis court. In her tennis outfit. Is ring-shopping an acceptable 3rd date activity?
I hate him. I fucked every one of his friends AND his fat brother and he still won't break up with me.
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
all I'm saying is that my epic blow jobs have made grown professional football players cry in ecstasy
She's so nice... She deserves all the dicks.
Far be it from me to tell you where you store your dildos but from an interior decorating standpoint not fucking there
so idk what that means but now because of me he has a police file as breaking into my apartment and sleeping in my hallway under the carpet
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