i was high and broke so i stole a roast chicken and a 40 inch sheet cake from wegmans and ate in a bathroom stall.
i just hate vaginas for liking penis's insside them
Drinking mikes hard & watching the swan princess. i fucking LOVE college
We were sexting and at the end, instead of us having sex, he decided to put "we fell asleep in each others arms."
How am I a tease?
Dude you flashed me ur vagina and walked away.
ONLY PART OF IT.
Now that you're back together are you gonna tell him you set his stuff on fire?
Would you be offended if I asked you to smoke a blunt with me while I pooped?
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
Dave, I love you but you're barking up the wrong lesbian. You sir are the competition. You don't threesome with competition.
Nothing bad can happen when you have a kiwi flavored condom. Absolutely nothing.
I was paranoid that someone would jizz in my hair while I had the cucumbers over my eyes. Super-High Spa Day didnt work out.
Going to the ER, I'll explain later but apparently drunk me isn't allergic to peanut butter.
Best case scenario you died and I melt into poo
Have you ever thrown up in the middle of your hair appointment? Cause I have..
She was gone when I unblacked out, but she had nailed her panties to the wall and wrote “Colleen’s Dick”with a sharpie on the wall. No idea where she got a hammer and nail
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