i just remembered that i beat off next to you while we were naked and passed out next to each other after last night... No Homo
i don't have fun when you have fun. i have embarrassment, fear, and significantly less cash in my wallet.
hey you didnt make it to our afterparty what happened?
Ran around with a boom box broke a trampoline float, had a girl lick my ear the usual
I'm starting therapy this week.. Taylor Swift music isn't cutting it for me anymore
my mom noticed the "toothpaste" stain on my tshirt...she repeatedly attempted to get it off by licking her thumb and rubbing it. See Jenn it obviously doesnt taste that bad...
i'm 6 minutes and 3 drinks deep before she gets here. she's do-able for a wednesday night, but i still need to mentally prepare, ya know?
at least the cop wrote "happy birthday" on the ticket.
i have a queen bed, a cherrywood bed frame, and gold sheets. how are you saying no to me right now?
Not saying puking on the side of a cab was how I imagined freshman year of med school but...
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
Apparently I called him, said "vodka" and then hung up on him.
Well shove his head down there and tell him not to stop til we have a new president!
I thought you couldn't go near Germans after that restraining order
You're doing screenings before you set me up again- no child sized dicks allowed.
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
Randomize
