hey is it cool if i invite some fat girls to the party so i can be the skinny one?
yeah okay. but if i take one home with me you have to come over in the morning and tell her to get her shit and go.
I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
you kept spraying the cat with water and then telling it to "man up" when it cried
I don't remember much but I know I looked hot.
I'm handcuffed to the toilet. Don't ask
The sound guy for the band told me id make a great valentines gift for his bisexual girlfriend
Please come fuck me. I had the worst sex of my life the other night and I need to be reminded that sex is actually enjoyable
he asked me for a gerbil feeder full of alcohol
They are fixing my bike for free, trying to smoke me out, and their kids keep hugging me.
I'm curious as to what my outfit choices drunk me made for this weekend.
The beer bottle was sticking out of your zipper and you shook it onto unsuspecting patrons
You have not lived until you've slid down a waterfall fucked out of your mind. Fact.
sexting just seems like too much work right now.
I'm still amazed at how you managed to get Doritos in my damn front pocket without me noticing. I got crumbs everywhere.
You asked me if I ever met a talking rock and when I said no, you looked me dead in the eye and said today was my lucky day then you crawled into a ball and started talking...that high.
Randomize
