my girlfriend just informed me I need to get tested and so do you
girlfriend?
I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
i just realized that fran drescher is the 90's version of a guidette.
she peed on how many people?
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
Um please remind me to tell you what happened tonight. It involves wine, pain killers and firing a handgun in our apartment. Legit might be hiding from the cops this weekend.
Steve called. He needs me to pick him up. He also asked for a set of his clothes, he can't find them. He is such a strong motivation to stay sober.
my balls were so many shades of blue last night I could have used them as paint and replicated the entirety of Picaso's blue period. The girl was an art major I feel like this metaphor is appropriate.
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
sex in a hospital.. check
I basically gave Miranda rights to the guy I hooked up with, jus so we were all clear what was happening
HOW DO YOU FORGET TO FINISH WINE
This is even better than the wine from my laundry basket
Like I'll lick your nuts to make you feel better if you don't get it
Apparently when you start crushing adderall and blending them into your margaritas calling them blenderalls you have "a problem" WTF
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