I just went to a chocolate syrup wrestling party I think you need to get on my level
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
you handled that situation with as much grace as someone puking involuntarily could
I just want dick. Yours just gets priority because it is glorious
Just ran interference for her again. Sometimes i wonder how many times in my life i'll have to be a cock block at the clinic
can we get vodka so I have an excuse for being an emotional wreck
Dad, is it in any way illegal for me to run around throwing handfuls of lucky charms at people tomorrow?
you're kidding right?
My professor just told me I'm living a lie and I found puke on my pants. How do you think it's going?
i woke up and found a picture of his grandma in my purse.. im a kelpto
Just walk of shamed past a 5 year old on my way out of my booty call. He waved at me. Is this the single life I've been missing?
my spring break was before theirs and i literally fed him vodka all week, only stopping for class and bowls. like handles. i cant even think anymore, that chastity belt was hard to get off,
I thought he was having it in Athens. Alright. Have fun. Please save my dignity and refrain from talking about my boobs and sexual "abilities". If I have any. I just feel like they are going to ask. Repeat after me. And repeat it 5 more times. This is going to be the phrase you're going to rely on tonight: "I can neither deny or confirm such actions."
Btw...refried beans is a terrible thing to throw up.
6 hours ago I jacked off a a guy for $100. I explained it away as "compensation" for gas and tolls. WHAT am I doing with my life? Quickest and easiest $100 I ever made though, haha
The guy like flippppped out and made me pay $15 for a car wash. I thought I was being extremely courteous by making sure to puke outside the window
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