I admire the strength of friendship we have that allows for sharing husbands.
I would rather wake up to a truck driver than wake up to her
Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
he described going down on me as being like 'entering a jungle of deliciousness and fur
There is literally a guy in my class with a gallon of water and a trophy.
I lost my grandmas ring. Probably during the handjob.
no. i discovered the *exact* amount of drugs i need to do to understand calculus.
You better fucking tell me or I'm turning blow job week into go fuck yourself week.
That's a lot of people she's fucked in one picture.
you're the third guy in less than 24 hours she fucked. I'm glad you lost your virginity just don't act like you climbed Mt. Everest.
I tried to open a bottle of wine with toenail clippers last night. So this morning was obviously rough.
There is no way to say this. Dude, I peed your bed. No questions, no answers. My flight leaves in 30 minutes. Use my detergent. Also, THE VODKA IN THE FRIDGE IS YOURS.
He's mad about lube? You know what, don't even. I'm not in the proper mindset to discuss lube.
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
Randomize
