Woke up this morning with one boob drawn on to look like the globe. Questionable?
at FSU your more likely to get an STD than a parking spot
Pretty sure I'm taking the break up well. Alcohol made me okay with it and drugs keep me agreeing with why I dumped him in the first place.
Went home drunk last night and peed on my Christmas tree, my mothers going to fucking kill me
youre always welcome to strip dance on tables with me Mag. what are friends for.
I threw up in my closet when I was hammered last night. Like a fucking toddler. I can't play with the grow ups.
We're taking a shot every time Landon Donovan takes a shot. It's clever, sort of.
at one point, i told him to buy you a pumpkin spice latte and uggs because you're a common white girl and that's how he should get you in bed
I'm going to pretend you don't watch My Little Pony and focus on your large cock. Kay? Don't bring it up again.
It's 11:50 on Friday the 13th. There's a full moon. AND the bride to be just puked on herself while getting a lap dance from a stripper named...wait for it....LUCKY. Is this real life?
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
I can't believe that after 9 years of signing things as "BATMAN", the first place to turn it down was the liquor store down the block.
Answered a bio test question bc of watching phineas and ferb. Remind me to always drink when studying.
She yelled Carpe Diem when she orgasmed. Is it too early to marry her?
Apparently his ex was into edging and did it to him so much that it takes forever for him to cum
I hate you and your multiple orgasm sexcapades
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