All I want to do is go home, strip down to my pants, get in the shower and pee down my leg
I never thought that I'd hear someone utter the words, "I need another studded belt." I was wrong.
Just had a handjob preempted by a huge bolt of static electricity leaping from her fingertip to my sack. I hate this time of year.
Go forth Daniel, drink, be merry... And meet some hot Asians for your friends to bang
I just looked into the eyes of the man whose car I peed on last night
I'm not pregnant. Security came before he could.
Just a heads up... Don't get high and attempt to do your own taxes
The highlight of my night was when you proclaimed that the man standing next to you smelt like grape medicine...
I jumped out of a moving car going sixty into my driveway because I had to shit so bad. It is not a good day today.
When God was sprinkling self control to everybody, he ran out and was like ehhhh she'll make it!
Shroomed with my best friend'a dad at his wife's surprise birthday party so you can say I have experience in the field
Dude he's moving to fucking Germany now. What is it about your vagina that makes men want to flee the continent?
I'm gonna eat more dunkaroos to cope with what's in my vagina.
I appreciate that you take the time to fix your typos even while masturbating
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
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